Saying Goodbye

 

WARNING: The following post is extremely raw, personal and sad. I’ve chosen to share it here because this is my space and Roosevelt has always been a very large part of it. This isn’t a mainstream blog and I consider those who come here day after day my friends, not my readers. 

—————————————————————————————————————————–

 “It’s too soon to be digging another hole.”

My dad muttered these words, his voice shaking with sadness as he said them, late on Friday afternoon as he dug into the earth next to Lucy’s resting place in the country house’s backyard.

I will never forget that moment. For as long as I live, I will never forget that moment.

The stray tears he carelessly wiped away as he plunged his shovel into the earth The way I clung to Christian as I sobbed uncontrollably and tried to make sense of it all. It felt like a nightmare. But sadly it wasn’t. For a few hours earlier I had been there when it happened. Had held my sweet puppy, not even three years old, as the vet quickly made his last moments painless and peaceful.

How can I put into words how lost and broken I feel? How can I explain to you how empty this house, my life, the world feels without him?

Roosevelt meant everything to me. And I just can’t believe he is gone.

It all happened so suddenly. He seemed a little under the weather earlier in the week. And then Wednesday night when I returned home late from a work meeting, he barely had the energy to play – it was a struggle. By Thursday night he had stopped eating and drinking and had barely moved. And his breathing was short and ragged, like he couldn’t get enough oxygen.

So we took him the emergency animal hospital. We left the house at 11pm. By 2:30am we had a name for what was going on: autoimmune hemolytic anemia – which basically meant his red blood cells were attacking and killing each other. His immune system was extremely compromised, his liver was overtaxed and his cells weren’t getting enough oxygen.

By 7am he was dramatically worse. His red blood cell count – which should have been around 40, and was 20 when we brought him in – had dipped to 10. He wasn’t responding to the initial treatment. Expensive blood transfusions – which were not guaranteed to help and could possibly complicate his situation further – were suggested as a last ditch effort. We would have to pay up front. The total cost was close to $10,000. We tried to find a way to get the money and meanwhile they tried a few other things. He continued to get worse. The doctors recommended we say goodbye and let him go peacefully. And so we did.

Those last moments that we spent with him, he was so, so sick. I wanted so badly to hold on to him. But I couldn’t. He gave us each one last puppy kiss and went to sleep.

After laying him to rest, we spent the rest of weekend at my parents’ house. They did their best to console us, as did the countless number of friends who called and sent messages. All of the support has meant so much to us. But nothing can quite take the ache away.

He was never just a dog to me. He was a part of me. He was family.

I remember thinking, after one of our many Saturday morning sessions of playing fetch, “What was my life like before Roosevelt?”

I couldn’t remember. And I didn’t want to. Roosevelt brought so much joy, laughter and love to my lifes. I couldn’t imagine living without him.

But now I have to. And everything feels horribly empty and sad now that he is gone. I’m a complete and utter mess. Crying more than I thought was physically possible. Swinging back and forth between crippling sadness and angry despair. It seems so unfair. So horribly, horribly unfair.

I’m always trying to decide what I believe in and where I stand when it comes to spirituality. I don’t fit into one cookie-cutter religion. But I do believe there is more to this life than the time we spend here. And I know with unwavering certainty that when I move on to that place, Roosevelt will be there to greet me.

That I believe…

I won’t be around here much for a little while. I don’t feel like cooking and any runs I go on will be purely therapeutic. But I will be back. Eventually, I will be back. Until then, please give your furry friends an extra big hug and kiss today and remember how lucky you are to have them in your life.

Share/Bookmark
This entry was posted in Friends & Family, Misc. Molly Thoughts and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

22 Responses to Saying Goodbye

  1. Sweetie… I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this all so quickly. :( Take as much time as you need to clear your head- because you know we’ll still be here if you need us, too. :)

  2. I am so sorry you had to have this happen. I understand the love for your furry companion on such a deep level. Take time for you and hang in there. This too shall pass. You were a wonderful friend to your companion and that is all that matters.

  3. Oh Molly, I’m crying too. This is the saddest thing in the world and my heart breaks for you. I know what it’s like to have a dog who is so much more than a pet–a beloved, cherished, essential member of your family and part of your life. Hearing about Roosevelt and seeing his pictures always made me smile, and it’s so, so unfair to you and your family that he’s gone. There’s nothing quite like having a puppy around and that sudden absence is like a punch in the gut.

    Take all the time you need.

  4. I’m so sorry! Take care of yourself and do whatever you need to feel better! Don’t forget to FEEL if you have to, cry as much as you need but then pull yourself up and keep on moving forward!

  5. Awww – I’m so sorry for your loss! Losing a loved pet can be just as hard as losing a person. Love him for all he was, and stay strong.

  6. Oh gosh, I am so so sorry for you loss. Losing a pet is an extremely hard thing to go through and you should take all the time you need to heal.

  7. <3 I'm here whenever you need me.

  8. Nichole says:

    No words for your loss. This absolutely crushes me. I will give my pup an extra hug today. Roosevelt had the BEST family and was loved.

    I am so sorry to hear this. Please know you’re in my thoughts. Love you!

  9. Nikki says:

    Oh bambina, we’re all crying with you. I am so sorry for your loss and I am so sorry you have to go through this. I’m pushing all my good energy in your direction. I think the hardest thing about loving someone so well is how much it hurts when they leave us- but it’s also a mark of how lucky we were to have that person or pup in the first place. I’ll be thinking about youo.

  10. kilax says:

    Oh my gosh. You poor thing. I wish I could give you a hug right now! Let me know if you need a lunch session to talk.

    What a complete shock. I am so sad. When you mentioned how you wondered what your life was like before Roosevelt I know exactly what you mean. The house feels empty when our cat is not there (only once, and tomorrow, when he has to be at the vet all day :( ). Animals are our companions, they bring us so much joy. And to have him taken from you, so young, and so soon after your mom’s dog passed. I am so so sorry. Huge hugs.

  11. twobrokenarms says:

    I’m sorry to hear of your loss! What a terrible thing that we, as pet owners, have to do to ease the suffering of our companions. We’ve had to do that for one of our family cats. She had a spinal injury that couldn’t be repaired, and was in great pain. And now our dog, Tilly, is sick again and losing weight. I know how you feel, and my heart goes out to you. Take your time in your grief, we’ll be here when you return.

  12. Kimberly says:

    Oh Molly, my heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a pet is heart wrenching. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  13. Maggie says:

    I’m so sorry to read this. He looks like he was a very sweet little guy.

  14. I am so sorry for your loss. I couldn’t read your whole post because it brought tears to my eyes. I’m sorry sweetie. I know how precious our animals can be to us. I lost my dog 3 years ago and it still hurts. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I’m so sorry.

  15. Kiah says:

    I was just thinking the other day that I hadn’t cried in a while. I came by your blog to check in, and this story made me tear up. My husband came home as I was wiping tears from my eyes, and when I told him your story we both grabbed our two dogs and hugged them. This is awful but you did what was best, and you are strong. You will be okay, and in time, you will find another addition to your family. xoxoxoxo

  16. Molly, I am so, so sorry to read this! I hope you are doing OK! Thinking of you!

  17. I am so so sorry for your loss Molly. Losing a pet is like loosing a best friend and family member. I lost one of my four kitty’s two years ago and it was so hard on me, and still is to think about. Prayers for you.

  18. Oh Molly, I am so, so sorry. Losing my dog is my absolute biggest fear, and knowing it’s something that is going to happen eventually is awful enough. I’m so sorry you have to go through this, especially so unexpectedly. I wish there was something I could say to make it hurt just a little less – but just know I’ll be thinking about you.

  19. Kiah says:

    Thinking of you, Molly!

  20. Christine says:

    You mean Roosevelt the chicken farmer??? I am very sorry to hear of your loss, Molly. I love that puppy picture. So cute. Love to you and your family…

  21. Kelly says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I never had a pet before my current dog and it’s hard to imagine life before or after him. I’m going to hug my dog extra tight when I get home tonight. Thank you for the reminder of how quickly life can change. Sending positive thoughts your way …

  22. Kris says:

    …and now I am crying.

    Molly I am so so SO sorry. so sorry for your loss, sorry I have been wrapped up in my life this year – being Dad’s caretaker through his cancer treatment – that I missed this completely.

    this is so not fair, and I have no words. sweet Roosevelt was very loved and knew it. I will hug my Basil extra tight today, and I’m sending you a hug as well. XO

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

CommentLuv badge